


Self

by TheUnkindledQueen



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Self-Acceptance, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 08:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20386582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheUnkindledQueen/pseuds/TheUnkindledQueen
Summary: AU: Corrupted, Jasper flees through the desert and seeks shelter in an old Diamond facility. Once asleep, she travels through her mind in an effort to heal from new wounds and old.





	Self

**Author's Note:**

> "It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone."
> 
> ― Rose Fitzgerald Kennedy
> 
> "As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation - either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course."
> 
> ― Martin Luther King Jr.

~O~

Run.

That's all the corrupted gem could do.

Jasper raced through the desert for days, her paws and hooves throbbing from the trek. It had been a long journey and she hadn't been sure enough that the Crystal Gems hadn't been following her. The sun began to set against the horizon, so she decided she would stop and laid her head down against the sand. Just to take a moment to rest.

_It's quiet._

After a moment, Jasper curled up into the sand, digging her claws deep through the ground into a little makeshift den. She wrapped her tail around herself, hissed out softly before finding sleep. It had been difficult given the frayed hinges of her mind. Flickers of memories and scalding spurts of color from darker places in her head.

_Hurting._

Sleep came once again, though it ended quickly as human activity awoke the corrupted gem. It was day and the humans seemed to be just waking from their sleep, to do whatever meaningless activity that humans did in their short, meager lives.

_Don't come near me._

Jasper rose to her full height with a threatening snarl and a show of teeth; a few humans in robes spotted her from their place in the tent, screaming in snippets of another language. They fled and Jasper shuffled her way to their campsite, sniffing at a pot of water. She was so thirsty without knowing why. She had never needed to drink before.

She took a few drinks from the pot anyway, sniffling loudly before she continued to run.

_Where was I going? I don't know. I just have to keep going._

Fragmented whispers of her truer self, comforting her somehow in spite of her new form. She continued on with the sun rising behind her. The sight of a forgotten gem structure appeared in the distance, so Jasper made her way toward it.

Jasper stepped through a broken doorway, blocked only slightly by debris. Pushing her way into a vast chamber, Jasper noticed several cusions laid in a corner. She pawed them a few times, trying to get comfortable before settling down. Around her were murals of the diamonds. She didn't want to look at them.

She didn't have eyes to close; the horrible spikes in her head prevented a lot of attempts at relaxing, but the feeling in this unique gem chamber settled over her. She didn't even know where she was. Perhaps it belonged to Blue Diamond. What did it matter, anyway? The Diamonds no longer looked at Earth with anything other than a jaundiced eye.

_Let it relax you._

The whisper from deep within soothed her somehow. Relax. Yes. Just for a little while.

Her body felt weak, rippling from the agony of her corruption and the exhaustion of running. If anything, at least the pain had subsided a bit, leaving a dull ache.

Jasper took a deep inhale, hating the rattling animal sound from her own throat. But the sensations in the chamber seemed to take hold, relaxing every bit of her corrupted form.

She found sleep.

O

In her mind, Jasper found herself standing in the familiar realm of the Beta Kindergarten - the place where she'd first opened her eyes. She looked down at her hands, noticing that they were the horrible claws of the creature she was, but her legs were as they had been before. It was as if her form struggled to return to normal and maintain its damage.

Turning toward a ruined Injector, she now saw her face in the reflection; a hideous, frightening set of jaws filled with razor teeth. Her yellow eyes were there as well, but her head and back had the sick, green spikes jutting out of her.

"Jasper."

The gem looked up with a wide-eyed hiss, turning toward - much to her horror - an image of Yellow Diamond. Cruel, sneering and cold as she had always been; she was an image of malevolence here in her frayed mind. But Yellow was also honest in her ways. Always honest. Even when it hurt, at least there was truth in it. Jasper respected her for that much.

"You were supposed to return, Jasper. Return to Homeworld!" she hissed, pacing around the gem like a dangerous predator ready to strike. "But I blame myself for letting you live after what happened! You should have saved her! Now look at you! The big stupid beast who cannot stop eating! When your master commands it, you STOP!"

A heel violently came down upon her and Jasper didn't even look up nor defend herself from it. She shut her eyes and accepted the cruelty. Her teeth gnashed. Her claws hung limply at her sides.

"You deserve this." Yellow Diamond whispered, voice shaking with hatred.

_I know._

Another laugh and the image of Yellow Diamond suddenly vanished in a swirl of smoke. Jasper opened her eyes, looked up at the shocking sight of a mimic of herself standing on top of the Injector. Only she wasn't corrupted; she stood completely unharmed and as new as the day that Jasper herself had first emerged.

Something was different about her; the markings on her face were facing the opposite direction. Everything about this image reversed what Jasper currently was. Even though it was an odd element, Jasper seemed to feel a certain familiarity with the thing facing her. It left her belly fueled with a loathing that came from nowhere and yet, somewhere she'd known all the same.

Jasper watched the mirrored version of herself; she growled lowly, glowering at it with hate in her stare. The Jasper Illusion chuckled, leaning against the leg of an Injector.

"She's a bad dog, isn't she?" she sneered, "I think it's time to put her down permanently."

Jasper snarled again, clicking her teeth before she clenched her fists. The Illusion laughed out loud, mimicking the gesture before charging with a fierce yell. Jasper charged as well.

Their fists contacted each other's faces; Jasper gave an almost violent shriek, seizing the Illusion with one hand by the front of her uniform. The Illusion clutched the side of Jasper's massive jaws, trying to twist her away. They grappled across the dry, barren ground,; attempting to topple one another and gain the upper hand.

The Illusion laughed with mirth, producing her axe with her free hand. Jasper had done the same and they separated, weapons colliding together. The Illusion cackled once more, watching the angry, half-corrupted gem.

"Come on! You know I'll win!" she spat.

Jasper shoved her back, twisted her axe in enough strength to knock the Illusion backwards a few paces. It did little to sway her completely; she was already back on her heels and swinging her axe with a fierce, volatile swipe. Jasper ducked to avoid it, but a kick to her midsection sent her staggering.

The Illusion raised two hands now and Jasper was suddenly levitated by an invisible force. She writhed and kicked, uselessly trying to be free from the unseen power lifting her. With a wave of those hands, the Illusion threw Jasper into the cliff wall.

Then again in the ground.

Once more against the wall and into the Injector. The Illusion laughed wildly with mirth, watching Jasper slowly stagger to her feet.

"Face it, Jasper; you'll never be anything else," she hissed, making her way toward the partially corrupted gem. "We've done this time and time again. I always win."

Jasper's teeth snapped with a bestial snarl and she seized her axe, swinging it. It made contact and cleaved through the Illusion, dissipating its shape into a stream of black smoke. A cruel chuckle filled the air and the smoke made its way into a split in the ground.

Jasper gave chase, diving into the split and landing in an industrial chamber. Her mind had been nothing more than fragments of memory and yet she knew this place as a processing hall for harvesting gems. The Illusion drifted through streams of water, weaving like an inky smear. She took form again, hiding behind a veil of tattered pink cloth.

"Come on, Jasper! Let's see you win!" she snarled, with a playful beckon of two hands.

Jasper stalked toward her, axe at the ready. Her eyes practically glowed with all the force of her hatred. She started to swing it, but froze in mid swipe. The Illusion had jerked slightly, preparing for the attack that didn't come. She glanced up and noticed that Jasper was staring at a sculpture of Pink Diamond overhead.

A grin lit the Illusion's face and she watched Jasper's weapon hand shake. "Ah. There it is." she hissed, triumphant. "The thing that drives and weakens you."

Jasper dropped the axe with a loud clatter. She fell to her knees and the Illusion laughed loudly. She walked over, delivering a wicked kick to Jasper's face. The gem stumbled backwards, falling onto her back. She curled up, clawing at her eyes with a series of animal moans.

"We always end up here, don't we, Jasper?" the Illusion hissed, crouching over her. "You've always let me win this battle of wills because you're weak. You've always been weak."

_It's true._

Jasper shut her eyes, refusing to look up at the Illusion. Her mouth formed several wounded animal sounds; pitiful and helpless, she would have denied ever making the noises in any other circumstance. But she couldn't help doing it this time. The Illusion straightened, looked up toward the sculpture of Pink Diamond.

"Now, you know how broken you truly are," she said, "And how I am the one who breaks you ever time."

Suddenly, the illusion stiffened; a dull, pained choke escaped her lips. Jasper looked up now, confused and shocked to see a sword punch its way through the shadowy being's chest. The illusion's form vanished with a ethereal screech, leaving her alone with something new.

It looked almost exactly like her, but this new jasper wore pink, sharp body armor. She had elaborate jewels adorned in her great mane of hair and bright pink eyes. She wielded a large broadsword decorated with interesting markings of the Gem Language. Something about this jasper spoke of strength and pride. Everything that Jasper herself was not.

"That's enough of that," the jasper said, staring disdainfully upwards with an air of grace.

She looked down at Jasper and her features softened. "Hello, Jasper. It's time we talked."

O

"Now, talk to me."

Jasper had been sitting there in silence, watching the figure sitting across from her with annoyance and a few angry snarls. It was not to be trusted. Surely, this was a new threat to her. It had to be. Still, at the request, she gestured to her teeth with two hands as if to show her that speaking was impossible. The being raised one hand calmly. She knew what the gem was trying to say.

"Calm yourself, Jasper. All you need do is think of the words you wish to say. I will hear you." she assured her.

Jasper stared up at her, clenching her teeth a few times with a series of clicks and hisses. It took some mental will, a little bit of groaning on her end before she managed to think of what she wanted to say.

[Who are you?]

Jasper blinked, hearing her voice aloud as if she'd actually spoken. It surprised her to hear it again after being corrupted. The figure smiled her approval, nodded once before standing.

"I am a voice, of sorts," she explained, "A certain part of you that still exists deep within the recesses of your very being. I drive you forward and fight back the thing that haunts you every day. Such is how it is for all of us, I suppose."

Jasper watched her suspiciously. [What do I call you?]

"You can call me Self, if you so desire," the being answered, as if it were no concern - they spoke as if they were old war comrades, "That thing you fought? That was Self-Destruction. It is a thing most opposite to me and quite childish in its antics. We may find many others here as we wander the remains of your mind, piecing it back together."

[And how are we going to do that?] Jasper seemed doubtful.

"That's all up to you," Self explained, "For now? We start walking into the blind realm of your mind."

She said nothing else on the matter, but started forward. Jasper hesitated, a very sharp sensation of uncertainty filling her. What would they do? What would they find? If this was really her mind working to fix itself, would she want to see any more? She had thoughts and ideas, but never had she physically explored its depths this way. It was new.

But right now, she saw no other way out and felt compelled to follow. So she started forward, walking alongside Self. Her mind wandered a bit and she suddenly felt curious about the image of Yellow Diamond.

[Why was she in my mind? Yellow Diamond?] she asked.

Self watched the road ahead of them; broken stone that filled itself with grass and dead plants. A few flowers had tried to grow, but had been ensnared by thorns.

"Yellow Diamond has become a part of you," Self explained, "Much like a parasite does to an organic being. She is your leader, but the source of your present pain."

Jasper looked confused. [I don't understand.]

"You will. In time."

Jasper rolled her eyes, a bit annoyed by the vague remark. Then, she looked around, noticing how the environment had slowly changed in their trek. They were now standing in a dead forest of dried, gnarled trees, littered with statues of Homeworld and crystals. Curious, Jasper approached one and raised a gentle hand to it.

[Where are we?]

"This is your mind, Jasper. Where do you think we are?" Self asked.

Jasper looked around for a few more moments, considering the environment. [It...looks familiar,] she said, [I think I've seen this before. It's hard to remember.]

"You have seen it before," Self agreed, nodding her head once, "This place was where you first fought a Crystal Gem army fighting to make their way through the Kindergarten. This is where the fight to protect your colony began. Remember how much you put into it? Remember your pride?"

Jasper looked up at the sight of several shadowy figures dart passed her, shouting out in fragments of Gem. Their voices where ghostly and haunting, as if they spoke from far away. They were nothing more than silhouettes with glowing eyes. The memories themselves seemed far off and distant with her broken mind.

[I was here before. This is where I took down the entire battalion on my own.] Jasper continued, watching the scene play out, [I remember feeling victorious then.]

"Such was how it was for you in battle. It's what we're made for. It's the one thing we succeed in. Here, you are no failure."

Jasper exhaled at the thought. [I still failed either way.]

"Did you? Or was it a lasting impression? Many gems feel they fail somewhere in their existence, but if not for you, there would have been very little Homeworld gems left in that battle."

Jasper shut her eyes. She didn't see it that way.

Suddenly, there was a loud, bellowing laugh that filled the air. The two looked up at the sight of...another fragment of Jasper's emotions standing there on a nearby floating rock. She stood with her arms folded and a haughty grin on her face; her uniform was cleaner than Jasper had seen even herself and her eyes flared a bright yellow.

"Ahaha!" she cried, "What do we have here?"

Self looked at Jasper. "This is Pride." she explained, "Another part of your mind. Quite a dashing thing, isn't she?"

Pride studied Jasper for the longest moment. "So, what brings you here? We haven't talked in a while!"

"Pride, we must find the source of her corruption. I'm sure you've seen that...the place is really falling apart," Self explained.

"Oh!" Pride's features lit up. "Well, I've seen something that way. But I've got too much important things to do myself."

She had pointed toward a broken pathway that led into a chasm. Jasper furrowed her brows, concerned somewhat. She would exercise caution on her trip. Self looked at her.

"Pride speaks truth. What we must face together is further in." she said. "Are you willing?"

Pride paced around Jasper with a smile. "You've really gone off the deep end, haven't you, Jasper?" she told her. "Don't worry! We're undeniably the greatest Quartz made! None can stand against us!"

Jasper gnashed her teeth. This was supposed to be a part of her? She was annoying!

[We are not the Perfect Quartz!] she barked out, [Don't be stupid!]

Pride just smirked at her. "Aren't we?"

There was a path that led into a coliseum and Pride led Jasper toward it. Self followed behind them, quietly observing the entire exchange. The coliseum was filled with spectators cheering Jasper on as she fought a gem monster.

"Remember how they look at you, Jasper," Pride hissed, grinning from ear-to-ear, "Look at how you stand taller than the rest of them. They deserved you. YOU were everything. You single-handedly gave up your life so that they could live. They should be thanking you for what you sacrificed."

Jasper was silent, watching the memory unfold. It was true to some extent; gems had flocked to her side, treating her as a savior of her fallen colony. There had been rewards beyond measure and praise worthy only of a diamond.

But it was hollow.

She knew what she was and how they really looked at her. She was an Earth gem. Ever since the end of the war, all gems from Earth were viewed with scorn and fear. Such lies they had weaved all for the sake of her presence. They hated her, but loved her all the same.

[Lies,] Jasper hissed. [All lies.]

Pride simply backed away, gesturing to the memory. "You can believe anything you want, Jasper. But we're here and we are greater. You've seen those who emerged from the Kindergarten. They're nothing compared to us and you know it."

Jasper regarded her for the longest time. She shook her head, defiant to Pride's words. [No,] she answered, shaking her head, [You're not better. None of us are. We're worse. We let her die and you'll actually sit here and boast about it. But I'm not going to pretend anymore. Covering up my sin with a mask will never change that.]

Pride's eyes widened in horror and disbelief. Then, her features contorted with rage and she lunged forward, but suddenly vanished in a swirl of black smoke. An ethereal screech echoed in the distance and the memory was swathed in dark.

Jasper blinked and glanced around, confused by the departure of Pride.

Self approached and rested a hand on Jasper's shoulder. "Good," she said, "She's gone. For now. You've already begun accepting the past can never be changed. Let's go forward."

Jasper nodded an affirmative. She looked down and was stunned to see her claws had disappeared somewhat. The nails were still hardened and pointed, but it seemed as if they were healing; it must have been brought on by her acceptance.

"We have much work to do, Jasper." Self explained. "Much if you wish to reach the truth of your corrupted form."

They made their way forward and Jasper paused at the sight of spiders walking in a single-file line in front of her; each one had a sharp, cut gemstone on their back, reminiscent of her own gem. She bent down, curious by the sight of them. Self watched her.

"Fleeting thoughts," she explained, "They are small, insignificant. Perhaps they are thoughts you yourself may not remember having."

Jasper plucked one up from the line and studied it. She heard a whisper from the small thing, a hiss of her own voice proclaiming how much she loathed Yellow Diamond.

She dropped the spider and it landed on its back, scurrying after the others.

O

Floating chunks of earth hovered through the air. Self explained that each contained a memory that had been fragmented through the corruption. Jasper glanced up at one that carried a portal framed in smoke. She grunted, launched herself up to it. Self was already there waiting.

Jasper blinked, surprised. Self smiled at her. "I'm a part of you, remember?"

Jasper huffed out. [Let's just go through,] she snapped.

"Is something here of interest?" Self looked at the portal.

[I don't know. I just...have to go through.]

Jasper stepped into the rippling portal, finding herself in a dead chamber filled with scrolls, books and various other papers. It reminded her of the Libraries of Homeworld, but in ruin. Papers danced through the air, carried by a strange wind.

"The Halls of Knowledge," Self mused, "Memories and Gem History kept here. It is here where you learned the true meaning of Despair."

Static echoed around them and Jasper looked up, spotting white static dancing behind the windows. She furrowed her brow, confused by the sight.

[What's that?] she asked.

"The memory's been tampered with," Self explained, "This is what happens when you forcefully repress a horrible experience. It clouds the image, keeps it hidden to protect your mind. Something happened here that hurt you. Badly."

"YOU KILLED HER."

Jasper looked up sharply at the sight of a shadowy silhouette of Yellow Diamond, crouched over a shadow silhouette of herself. Her image appeared to have been struck several times, given the way it held its cheek in one hand and arm over its head.

"YOU KILLED HER THE MOMENT YOU WERE MADE! YOU SHOULD HAVE PROTECTED HER!"

The harsh voice of Yellow Diamond echoed through the chamber, blended with something else; a deeper, malevolent hiss. Jasper shut her eyes, tears rolling down her cheeks. She didn't want to see this again. It sent a scalding sickness through her throat. She remembered when it had happened. Yellow Diamond had been unable to control herself after it had happened. For a while, anyway.

[I don't want to see this...] she mumbled.

"You must, I fear," Self said, sadly, "If you are to accept it."

Jasper backed away a few paces and stepped on something soft. A whimper of pain filled the air, followed by a haggard whisper of obscenities.

"Why do you hurt me? Have you no pity?"

Jasper's eyes widened and she followed the voice behind them.

A shuffle of something moving turned both of them toward a bookshelf. A shape was shifting behind it, mumbling under a rough breath. Jasper watched as a hooded figure made her way up to them, dragging several items on her form.

Filthy hands reached up to remove the hood. It was a thing in the image of Jasper; but she was hunched over, eyes a dull sad gray and her form that was once orange, was now the same lifeless color. Her hair was hung loosely in clumps and her lips were chapped.

The most interesting thing about her was that she stood larger than most of the others that Jasper had seen - perhaps even the same height as a diamond. A single long tail circled her form; how odd, but it explained what Jasper had stepped on.

"Here it is, you face Despair," Self continued, "The thing that whispers endless sorrows of a time once passed. Here she wanders in the library of your anguished memories, watching them unfold beyond the point of obsession. Never moving forward, only standing still."

"Oh..." Despair looked down at them with sad, heavy eyes, "Hello, Jasper. Are you going to the center? I wouldn't. It's a horrible thing there. I don't think you want to see it."

Jasper furrowed her brow. Maybe she didn't want to see what waited for her, but she had to. [I don't need your warning. I need to reverse all of this. Whatever it takes.] She gestured to herself as she said it.

Despair wiped her eyes with two hands. "Oh no!" she moaned, "You don't want to see it! It's horrible! It's bad!"

[We need to see it,] Jasper told her, firm in her resolve, [We need to stop it.]

Despair sighed, as if releasing a heavy burden. She gave a small nod before turning, crawling toward a door on her hands and knees. It opened and she wriggled her way out. Jasper and Self followed her and she looked toward a series of floating rocks. Slowly, several of them began to connect to one another, as if like a great puzzle. Despair started forward first.

"I suppose it's time then," she whispered. "Come. I'll take you so far."

Jasper followed her and Self soon did as well.

As Despair walked, she began to weep quietly; the stories she told of her weakness and her pain was enough to make Jasper sick hearing them again. She didn't want to talk about any of it, so she just listened. The entire time, Self had been silent and just watching her.

"...it's a heavy life we live," Despair said, watching the path in front of them, "To wander aimlessly in sorrow, seeking answers to why it happened, what we could have done differently."

Jasper paused, feeling a tight sensation clench her chest. Despair stopped as well, looked down at her. The gem clutched hands to her head and small groans of pain escaped her.

[I betrayed her...] she moaned.

Despair's brow knotted slightly. Self looked at Jasper now.

"Why do you say that, Jasper?" Self asked.

Tears streamed down Jasper's cheeks. [She was all that I had and I let her die!]

Despair reached out with two great arms, circling Jasper and pulling her to her wide chest. "The pain you endure purifies you, Jasper. It is here you must learn to understand."

Jasper shut her eyes, somehow drawing comfort from the enormous being. It was strange, but she didn't want to pull away. Self said nothing and simply observed in a sort of serene silence.

Then, Jasper opened her eyes and noticed a gentle, soothing wave of ocean water below them. It was bright green, gently undulating against the rocky path. Jasper pulled away from Despair and stood, watching it. She didn't understand what it was, but something held her there. A drawing, a yearning for something she didn't know.

Suddenly, a jagged crystal spire shot out of the water, freezing Self and Despair. A maniacal cackle filled the air and the spire split sickeningly down the middle. With a loud crack, a green hand emerged, followed by the hissing, snarling form of Malachite.

Steam shot up from her form and green fluid dripped down from her eyes and teeth. When it contacted the earth, it hissed. Malachite looked different than Jasper had remembered her being; she seemed sickly, perhaps mad with agony. Her jaws clicked and those four eyes focused on her like a tethered, feral animal.

Jasper's eyes widened and before she could advance, Self was already there in front of her. She spoke sternly to the fusion.

"Begone, foul, poisonous thing!" she commanded. "She is no longer a part of you! Did you think you could stop us from finding our way to the center of this corruption? Away with you!"

Malachite snarled with hate now, eyes glowing. She charged forward, howling for them. Self took a graceful step to the side and Malachite was lurched forward, clumsily tangled in a flurry of limbs. Self looked back at Jasper, gesturing to the disoriented fusion lying sprawled there.

"Quickly! Destroy her!" she shouted. "Before she regains her senses!"

Jasper was there immediately; she rushed along the length of Malachite's back, seized the gem on her face and twisted with all her strength. Malachite screeched out, green fluid spurting from her mouth and eyes before she vanished in a burst of black smog.

The air felt suddenly cold, as if everything had chilled in the loss of Malachite. Jasper noticed a layer of ice creep across every surface around her. Despair noticed it as well. She sighed heavily, as if releasing a great burden.

"And yet, here we remain. Empty." she mumbled, shaking her head with disappointment.

O

Self and Jasper followed Despair through a graveyard.

To Jasper, it was a human construct which felt unusual for her to have in her mind. The graveyard was swathed in fog and she could hear the faint sounds of weeping in the distance. It was a truly sombre atmosphere.

[What is this?] Jasper asked, glancing up at Despair. [Why are we here?]

"This is where we first saw a human die," Despair explained, "This is why I wept. I wept to feel so alone, but a human drew comfort to me. For a time."

Jasper glanced up skeptically. She hardly remembered any human worthy of tears from... Oh, wait. It was slowly coming to her. A memory swathed in smoke as it had been all the others. She saw herself standing beside an old human woman, who was speaking to her about something.

"Remember when you didn't hate them?" Self queried, glancing at Jasper curiously. "Remember how much better you used to be?"

Jasper watched the smoky memory play out. She saw herself being embraced and led out of the graveyard. She watched other memories play out the same way; all of them were here, in the dead field. She shut her eyes and thought about how it had once been. How naive she'd been.

_"Jasper, what a lovely name..."_

Jasper turned, noticing the memory playing out of the old woman kneeling down to retrieve something. Her visage stood behind her in smoke.

"Do you think if she hadn't been blind, she'd adore you the way she had?" Self questioned.

Jasper didn't know.

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Listening to music. Would you like to hear some, dear?"_

The shadowy image of Jasper sat down in front of the old woman. The human began to hum a song and Jasper's memory self began to follow in tune with her.

"What became of her?" Self asked, tilting her head.

Jasper sighed. [Age. Humans die so young.]

"That they do. But some of them make the most of their fleeting lives. For better or for worse," Self replied, smiling. "And one extended a kindness to you. You missed that in the wake of your sorrow."

Jasper looked down at her hands and realized the splotchy green markings had almost faded away. Looking up at Self; Jasper noticed how proud she seemed of her and how happy she was to see that she had begun to heal her corruption on her own.

"To heal, we must first confront the thing that hurt us," Self told her, "You've already taken the first few steps to do so. I feel you will truly have what it takes to conquer the source of your corruption."

Despair began to lay down and Jasper turned to her, frowning. [Don't lay down,] she snapped, [We need to go forward. You need to tell us where we're going.]

Despair sighed sadly. "Forgive me, but this is as far as I go." she said, resting her face in her hands. "You must continue on your own. For Wrath awaits you in the stinging sands below. Where rage peels apart the surface of yourself."

Jasper glanced at Self, then to the distance where the path continued. She didn't know what to expect or what Despair really meant. But at this point, the games were growing tiresome and she wanted it to end. So she left Despair alone while wandering down the path with Self.

[Are they real?] Jasper asked, looking at her.

Self raised her eyebrows with a smile. "They are a part of you in a form you most recognize. Why wouldn't they be real?"

Jasper rolled her eyes. [Talk in a way that makes sense.]

"You've traveled through the vestiges of your mind and yet it mends slowly," Self explained, without hesitation. "Do you wish to shed the corruption and accept your fate? Or will you find yourself lost in your mind?"

Jasper thought about it. She didn't want that. She wanted no sort of weakness.

She passed a broken building where a yellow vulture was perched, bearing the diamond-shaped markings that immediately reminded her of Yellow Diamond. Its enormous beak snapped loudly at the sight of her, a loud, sharp click that jolted Jasper where she stood. Self observed the creature as well, smiling somewhat. She didn't seem threatened by its presence.

They stopped walking when they faced a wide, seemingly bottomless hole. Self glanced down at it with a thoughtful murmur before looking at Jasper.

"Jasper, there is but one way to reach the center of Wrath," she explained, "You have made improvements to your mind and those working to correct the damage. Only one truly willing to move forward will take this plunge. Jasper, have you what it takes, truly?"

Jasper stared down into the void, faintly making out the sounds of snarls and violent hisses emerging from it. In truth, she wasn't quite prepared to face what came next, but she knew she had to. She HAD to face whatever it was in her head before she could cure herself from corruption. Taking a deep breath, she raised one leg over the hole.

[I'm ready,] she said.

Self nodded her head, smiling her approval. She was certainly impressed.

Jasper shut her eyes, took a small inhale before she stepped off the edge, into the black abyss.

She fell.

And fell.

And fell.

The air from her plummeting seared her cheeks and she realized that the furthest she fell, the hotter the atmosphere felt. It scorched the surface of her skin, leaving painful stings slashing across her face. Jasper grunted with effort, opening her eyes. She saw a pool of lava awaiting her. And swimming in the lava was a boat.

Jasper landed on the boat with a loud grunt of pain. Self was already there, waiting for her as usual. She smiled and reached out a hand. Jasper glanced at it, then took the offering and rose.

The wind whipped around her, carrying sand that stung her eyes. In the distance, Jasper could barely see ruins buried half in the sand; spires and familiar gem architecture. Self led Jasper forward through the sand, gesturing around her.

"Your anger smothers the memories, choking them," she said, "It is said that rage boils in the lowest part of you, filling your belly with fire. Such a feeling one can never hope to satisfy..."

[What do we do now?] Jasper asked.

"We seek answers." Self explained. "Come."

As they ventured through the sands, Jasper noticed vultures picking away at a lumbering shape made of white hair. The vultures snarled and screeched the entire time, but the hairy shape didn't budge. Instead, it continued walking as if nothing was happening to it.

"Anger can slowly pick away at you," Self explained further, watching Jasper's curious face, "You know the feeling as a period of intensity, followed by exhaustion. It will consume and you won't even know it."

Jasper watched the creature and felt a connection to it somehow. Maybe it was a part of her. She wouldn't deny that much.

She looked down at a sculpture of herself, slowly eroded away by the sand. Her eyes widened and a flash of memory filled her head; she saw herself screaming and punching a bag viciously, tearing it apart with her bare hands as she imagined it belonging to Rose Quartz.

Before she'd learned how to hide it.

The rage.

A growling chuckle filled the air and the two looked up at the sight of a figure standing on a broken statue of Pink Diamond. Jasper was ready for it this time; a figure bearing her image, only this one was tall and skinny with red eyes. Her hair was short, having looked like it was cut by hand. Her nails were long, sharp like claws.

In her hand she held a thick, glowing chain and something massive lurked behind her in the shadows; something with enormous shoulders, glowing red eyes and a wild mane of hair. Self took a deep breath and raised her chin. Jasper furrowed her brow.

"There's no room for pity here, Jasper," the figure said, showing long, sharp teeth in a grin. "For what are we worth but nothing?"

Jasper glared up at her. [What are you?]

Self explained first. "The embodiment of Self-Judgement. The part of you that relentlessly condemns yourself for your sins. Be wary of this one. She is cunning."

Self-Judgement chuckled and ran a nail over her cheek. "Cunning has its uses," she said. "But in this case, I prefer a sheer force of will."

Behind her, the shadowy form lunged out with a thunderous, leonine roar. Jasper looked stunned to see that it also looked like her; she was beastly and covered with thick hair on her forearms, massive teeth and wild, feral eyes. Her throat was clasped by a tight shackle and chain, barely being held by Self-Judgement.

"Wrath. Such a violent, senseless beast." Self whispered, "Be cautious, Jasper. Once Wrath is loose, she cannot be tamed as easily as the others."

Self-Judgement grinned widely and it stretched her face out in an eerie manner. "Poor choice of words, thing."

She opened her hand and Wrath howled forward, teeth and claws slashing. Jasper flipped back, jumping onto a pillar and climbing just out of reach of the nightmarish creature. Wrath swiped, slashed and jumped at her, but could not reach. Her mouth spewed streams of saliva and her wild, crimson eyes fixed Jasper like a half-starved beast.

"Come now, Jasper!" Self-Judgement called, cupping her mouth. "Let Wrath consume you! Just like the good old days!"

Wrath sank her teeth into the pillar, violently ripping it down with a wild jerk of her head. Jasper was jolted from it and she landed on the creature's back. It screamed out, reaching back to grab at her before rising on two legs. In the effort, her claws sliced at her own body and head. Jasper wrapped her arms around Wrath's massive neck, struggling to pull her back.

"Fight her, Jasper!" Self shouted. "You are stronger than she is!"

Self-Judgement smirked and shook her head, pacing on the statue. She found the notion amusing. "Oh, really? That's now how I remember you the first millennia of your life!"

Jasper snarled with effort, still holding onto the raging beast. Wrath screamed out and thrust herself back, crushing the gem beneath her. But Jasper still held on for all her worth. Wrath writhed several times before charging headfirst into another statue, shattering it to bits.

Jasper grabbed a handful of Wrath's hair, struggling to pull her back. Wrath stumbled a bit from her tugging, her face contacting the ground. The sand blinded her, yet she still lashed out at Jasper in some desperate attempt to kill her. The gem dislodged herself from the creature, watching as she clawed her face and looked wildly around for her quarry.

_Rage is blind._

Jasper's features smoothed out when she remembered the teachings of Pink Diamond from so long ago. It was a speech regarded the blindness of rage. Most would argue that there was strength in wrath, but it was nothing more than sightless. It could kill if it wanted to - and Stars, did it want to - but it meant nothing in the end if it couldn't see the result of its actions.

Wrath screeched out with fury and frustration; she looked sharply around her, but couldn't seem to find Jasper. Her mouth dripped with saliva and it practically foamed around the corners.

_I've had enough. I don't want to live like this._

Jasper gave a fierce, primal scream and charged for Wrath. Self's eyes widened and Self-Judgement looked shocked by the sight. Jasper collided with Wrath's midsection, sending the howling creature flat on her back. Once on top of her, Jasper began to punch her over.

And over.

And over.

[You won't beat me!] Jasper screamed. [YOU WON'T BEAT ME!]

Wrath's pained screeches gradually died down and silenced as the fists that punched her continued on. And on. Self-Judgement could only watch with muted shock. After Wrath had stilled and laid there, Jasper took a few shaking breaths to calm herself. Her hands shook and she inhaled sharply before turning to the others.

Her mouth had completely healed from being nothing more than frightening teeth. Self smiled with pride and Jasper reached up with two hands, stunned. She cracked her jaw a few times, smacked her lips before glowering up at Self-Judgement.

"I win!" she hissed, triumphantly.

Self-Judgement stared at her before smirking and clapping. "It only took you...what... several millennia?" she sneered.

Self looked at Jasper and placed a comforting arm around her shoulders. She gave one fleeting look to Self-Judgement before gesturing in front of her. "Come. We waste time here."

They continued forward and Self-Judgement called after them. "I HOPE YOU'RE READY FOR WHAT'S COMING!" she shouted, "What am I saying? OF COURSE YOUR NOT!"

Jasper was determined to face what came next, but the cruel shout from the thing behind her did make her think about it. What else would she expect?

O

"Life can be a beautiful illusion we create to comfort ourselves," Self said, watching the tunnel they were to enter. It was marked with Gem Language. "Some stay true to the purpose they were made for; yet even so, they are but shells of themselves, empty vessels. Others chase the charms of love, however elusive. What is it that drives you?"

Jasper thought about it. "Justice."

"Hm. How interesting." Self mused, smiling. "A selflessness to seek redemption for Pink Diamond. Perhaps in doing so, you feel you can heal from the past. All problems solved?"

The tunnel carried several charcoal paintings on them. Jasper furrowed her brow curiously, walked up to a drawing of Pink Diamond embracing her. She rested her hand against it.

"What are these?" she wondered.

"Fragments of days long passed," Self explained, with a sad smile, "A more...innocent time, perhaps."

Jasper looked to the left and spotted a small shape kneeling in the corner, scribbling something down. It had white hair like her, but cut short. It was about the size of Carnelian - the short Beta gem from her Kindergarten.

With familiar orange stripes...

"Hey." Jasper said, taking a step toward her.

A soft gasp and the shape turned, frightened. Her eyes were wide and bright yellow. Her sharp cut gem looked almost too big for her face.

A small, frail version of herself - Jasper knew what she looked at.

The little form relaxed when she realized who it was. "Oh! It's you!"

"Innocence." Self said. "The small part of you that somehow still exists in the void of your mind. It brought life to creation, even though you've long forgotten it exists."

Jasper knelt down before Innocence, who smiled happily at the sight of her. "We've been here by ourselves for a while. You told us to stay here, so we stayed and drew things to help you remember. But the others were a lot stronger and scary, so we hid here watching the other one. Would you like to talk to us now?"

Jasper closed her eyes. When she opened them again, they were glassy. "Okay."

"Great!" Innocence jumped up, throwing her arms around Jasper.

Jasper couldn't help but embrace the smaller version of herself with shimmering eyes. She swallowed thickly, having experienced a pang of heat in her throat at the sight of herself. So small, yet so full of wonder and marvel at the universe.

Self only smiled warmly at the sight.

Jasper parted, regarding Innocence curiously. "What now?" she asked. "Where do we go from here?"

Innocence pointed at a door near her that was encased in ice. "In there." she explained. "It's really cold and dark in there. But it's okay to be afraid. If you can reach the center, there's a little lantern there with a pink flame to guide you. It's little and broken, but still good." She brightened, as if savoring the thought. "Yeah, still good."

Jasper nodded and stood up. "Good. Thanks for showing me the way."

Innocence held up a hand before she could walk passed her. "Can we talk more when you're done with your mission?" she asked. Her features filled with hope. "I miss talking to you."

Jasper smiled, blinking away an urge to shed tears. "Sure. Maybe."

"Okay!" Innocence knelt down to resume her drawings. "I'll wait here for you."

Jasper faced the icy door. She clenched her fists at her sides, took a deep breath. "I'm ready."

"Are you sure, Jasper?" Self asked, looking at her. "You must be certain that what you face is what you're prepared for. Say it. Say you are willing."

"I am willing." Jasper said, with resolve. "Show me."

"Very well."

The door cracked and roared open, sending a frigid air from it. Innocence just calmly and happily continued her drawing while the wind billowed around Jasper's face. She looked over her shoulder and realized that Self was gone.

She had no time to think about it and simply stepped through the door into pitch darkness.

O

The ground was made of ice.

After walking through the dark, Jasper saw the little lantern resting in the hands of a statue of herself, kneeling in a grieving position. She took the lantern and studied the tiny pink light inside. The lantern was small in her hands and the flame seemed to be dying.

Jasper cast the light in front of her, trying to see the room she was in; if it was even a room to begin with. She saw nothing but endless ice at her feet.

When she cast her light to the left, she saw Self standing there. Her features were grim.

"All gems scramble for truth within themselves. They comfort each other with the illusions of joy, struggling to accept the lie and knowing the ugly truth." Self said, with a small smile.

Jasper furrowed her brow. A feeling of dread crept up her back. She wanted to hold the little pink flame close to her chest.

"It's you." she said, when she realized what she truly stared at. "You're my final test."

Self smiled, nodding. "I am."

"What are you?"

"I am the strongest thing that haunts you," Self explained, "I had to be sure that you could face me once everything was said and done. You've never come so far before. What do you think I am? I can disguise myself very easily in other emotions."

Jasper thought of the other visual representations of herself. What was it that hid so well among the rest of her? Who was Self supposed to be? When she felt herself trying to think, she suddenly backpedaled. Maybe a part of her just couldn't think about it.

Self began to back away into the darkness until only her voice echoed around Jasper.

"Peace is another dangerous illusion and one that feeds me. Shackled you are by my will, the yearning for love yet the denial of accepting it. I am the thing that hides behind Pride. Behind Self-Destruction. Despair. Wrath. Self-Judgement. Even Strength. I disguised myself in hopes that you will see what truly corrupts you."

Jasper's eyes wandered around the darkness. She bared her teeth. "Stop playing games!" she spat. "Show me who you are!"

"But you know me. Deep down, I think you know exactly who I am. I did not intentionally deceive you, Jasper. I simply hide myself well."

Jasper looked over her shoulder and her eyes widened as a vast shape slowly began to emerge; distorted and nightmarish. Ugly beyond compare. Jasper had never seen something so disturbing and hideous.

It had a swollen, distended arm with familiar markings, a frighteningly twisted face with a single cut gem that Jasper had over her own face. Dull yellow eyes narrowed to slits. A drooping mouth filled with broken teeth and a fat, swollen body. In its smaller hand it clutched a sword. Tattered remains of a green cloak dangled across its back.

"I am Self-Hatred. I am the driving force behind your actions," the creature gurgled; her lovely voice was reduced to a sick, wet choke. "The moment she passed was the moment I was born. And through a millennia of strife, I grew strong."

The icy chill filled Jasper's veins. She looked down at the pink flame within the small lantern. Somehow it gave her warmth and soothed her hands with its glow. Jasper closed her eyes, leaning close to it.

_I understand. I know what I have to do._

Self-Hatred gave a small chuckle when she saw the way Jasper stared at her. "I am an ugly thing, I know. The truth is often unpleasant to look at." she said, pacing around Jasper. "There is no path before you now and yet somehow...you still seek it regardless. All that remains is us. All that will remain after is one. You have the strength to stand before me. Now prove your measure."

Her sword shot a hot shower of sparks as she lunged, dragging it behind her. Jasper quickly jumped, narrowly missing the blade as it came crashing down inches from her face. She gasped, ducking to the left as Self-Hatred swung the sword sideways, cutting off but a few threads of hair.

"Disgusting. Failure..." Self-Hatred sighed, sadly, "It's the true measure of our inner self. We are disgusting. We deserve to look like this."

She moaned quietly, a soft, sad sound as Jasper scrambled to her feet. Self-Hatred looked back at her.

"Do you know what we do most?" she asked, "We wallow here in the cold. Had you not reached within yourself, we would have consumed you. That is what we are, Jasper. That is what we do. I had to wait for you to fight me. I had to see if you were ready."

She swung her sword again and Jasper bent herself backwards at the waist to avoid it once more. At that moment, Self-Hatred swatted her roughly aside with her larger hand, sending the gem falling backwards with several pained grunts. She looked up, mere seconds as the large hand came swinging down into a fist.

Self-Hatred smiled now, showing rows of hideous teeth. She flipped onto her large hand, swung her sword and kicked out her legs. Jasper produced her helmet at that moment, catching the end of the blade with her head.

Grunting with effort, she stomped forward before charging into a spin dash; slamming her weight into Self-Hatred, knocking her backwards. The enormous aberration recovered quickly, backhanding her hard. The blow knocked Jasper to the icy floor and she was promptly pinned in her throat with one knee.

Jasper gave a thick, wet groan and grabbed uselessly at the knee in her throat.

"Jasper..." Self-Hatred sighed, shaking her head. "Oh, poor indignant fool. I told you, I am fed by you. You give me the strength I need. What else will you draw your power from?"

Jasper opened her eyes, choking out again. She noticed lantern that had fallen in the fight within reach; scooping it up with one hand. The flame began to burn brighter and Jasper stared down at it in surprise. She glanced from the lantern, to Self-Hatred; the hideous form slowly backed from her, watching the flame as well.

_I'm still here. Let me help._

The pink flame within the lantern began to glow brighter. It warmed Jasper's form, comforting her with a familiar sensation she'd only known when she emerged to the smile of Pink Diamond. She drew strength from the flame and rose, holding it with outstretched hands.

Self-Hatred smiled now, her distorted face lighting up with amazement.

Jasper closed her eyes, still holding the lantern out. "I remember Pink Diamond told me something...about the soul." she said.

"Yes..." Self-Hatred hissed, her voice rumbling with contentment. She seemed to savor the memory as well.

"'It's always darkest when we're at our lowest'," Jasper recited, "'In the dark, there is a light. And in that light, we find strength to push back the shadows'."

Self-Hatred watched as the fire built brighter, and brighter. She smiled and dropped her sword. Reaching out with two hands, she stepped forward, as if moving to embrace an old friend. The fire brightened and her form began to fade away, peeling apart like paint.

"Good, Jasper. Now let's finally be at peace..."

The fire burned hot like a supernova and everything went white.

O

Jasper's eyes opened with a gasp.

She sat up, finding herself alone in the chamber she'd entered as a corrupted gem. Glancing down at her hands, she realized that her form had returned to what it had once been; no claws. No green splotches. No fangs.

Jasper stepped outside, noticing the moon was full and the sky was clear, filled with stars. It had been the first time she'd ever laid eyes on the stars the way she was now. The feeling of pleasure, freedom and joy had never felt so tangible until now.

She smiled, reached up with two hands as if to touch the stars above her.

Jasper started laughing, falling backwards against the sand.

This was freedom.

At last.

**Author's Note:**

> This was a fic that I'd been wanting to make for a very long time. It comes from a deeper, more emotional place. I also took some inspiration from Dante's Inferno. 
> 
> This was also inspired by the song "Cover Me" by Depeche Mode. Also, the score "Abandoned by God" - a Demon's Souls Remix on Youtube - by Alex Roe inspired some scenes.


End file.
